7 October, 2008

EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL TERRORIST!!!

Cindy McCain revealed to be alien queen

by jAWSH!

SPITTOON, OH: Jethro Grewsome, aged 34, has lived through a horrible ordeal. He was abducted on October 1st, 2008 and anally probed by potential First Lady of the United States, Cindy McCain. How could such a travesty occur? Mighty Broke consultant Buster Heiman interviewed Mr. Grewsome at his pop up trailer in the backyard of his grandmother Petunia Grewsome's city lot.

"She comed in mah room bouts uh quartah ta 3 in tha mornin', surrounded by uh blinding light. Looked uh lot like the floodlights of my brother Jimb's monster truck. Anyways, she used her light powered lift beam ta take me ta this giant, pill shaped airplane. Looked like uh gawddang Vicodin if ya axe me!"

Local family practitioner Dr. Mike Hunt examined Mr. Grewsome on the morning of October 2nd, 2008. His report indicated that Vicodin and Percocet were used to sedate Mr. Grewsome and ease the insertion of rusty anal probes, often resembling a Pear of Anguish from Medieval times.

"The poor bastard is lucky to be alive. The fact that his intestinal tract isn't the same consistency as Wendy's chili (ONLY 99 CENTS AT PARTICIPATING RESTAURANTS) is a miracle! The handles were examined closely. The crime scene investigation unit took it's findings to the FBI X-Files office, bringing back the conclusive results that traces of charity purchased Vicodin and Percocet were present, and mixed in with finger prints from Cindy McCain. These prints were scorched into the handles due to higher body temperatures found in most Venusian specimens that we've recovered from Area 51, as well Central High School in Phoenix Arizona's boiler room, where Cindy McCain first crashlanded her space airplane from Venus with her crew of six, whom she partially devoured and then raped."

The damage inflicted on Jethro Grewsome's anus was enough to cause him to lose control of his bowels.

"Ah cain't even eat uh Hot Pocket without fear of uh mudslide runnin down tha leg of mah trousers and inta mah shoes. And ah cain't sit down right no more. Mah ass looks laik uh bloody elephant's trunk."

Of course, these accusations are greeted with tremendous skepticism. Spittoon local talk radio host Howdy Chinnutz has spearheaded a "Truth Taskforce" aimed to debunk what Mr. Chinnutz calls "Utter bullcrap."

He continues, "The fact that his kind of jounalism is entertained in America is offensive to Baby Jesus, his invisible buddy the Holy Ghost, and Big Poppa Gawd on his throne in Heaven. There's NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS!!!"

When contacted for comment, the McCain campaign responded, "MAVERICK! POW! BAH BAH BAH! BAH BOMB IRAN! I MADE A DOODIE... IN MY PANTS!!!"

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